MY ROCKETMAN: I Will Always Love You (James)

The first (and possibly, the only) man I ever really loved was... well, let's just call him by his old petname, "RocketMan." ;-) He and I met in the 6th grade. He wasn't all that bright, so the only classes we had together were Band and Gym. To tell you the truth, in the beginning, I actually had my eye on his best friend, who was also in the class. BUT... HE was the one who seemed fascinated with me and for some reason, loved to horse around in the locker room.

But I digress. I didn't start falling for him until the 6th grade overnight Band Trip to Busch Gardens. We shared a hotel room with two other guys with only two beds, so we chillaxed on the floor; as you might guess, fooling around ensued.

After nearly three years of courting back and forth and after his best friend moved away, he and I started hanging out at each other's houses every day after school. As I got to know him and realize that he was NOT as dense as I originally thought, I fell head over heels for him. And so, on one fateful Saturday afternoon in May of 2001, we both lost our virginity... while my parents were in the living room right above us. XD

Our relationship was almost entirely a secret, until one of my girl friends heard him say something she shouldn't have (about a "private sleepover invitation"), one day in English class. Back then, I liked the secrecy, I liked holding onto the hope that I was just bisexual... but nowadays, I feel that there's no place for secrecy in a mature relationship and VERRRRRRRRRY few men out there are worth hiding who you are.

Sadly, once we reached high school, we never had another class together and rarely ran into each other, but whenever we did and STILL do, it's as if no time has passed whatsoever and just the sound of his voice makes the hairs on my neck stick up... in a good way.

I'm extremely glad and lucky that my first time was with someone who I genuinely loved and will always love, now as a friend. We're forever connected and nothing will ever change that. ♥

THAT TINGLING SENSATION: I Enjoyed Wrestling A Little TOO Much (James)

My first experience with sexual attraction occurred when I was 4 years old. Nearly every single afternoon, my partner-in-crime, Andrew, and I would have EPIC wrestling matches on the ranch behind our babysitter’s house. Of course, back then, I didn’t realize that that “tingling sensation” was intense sexual attraction, BUT when I was 11 years old, and I started to have recurring wet dreams about men, I finally put 2 and 2 together. Unlike the girls I’ve interviewed, I had no emotional attachment to Andrew whatsoever. He made me feel good physically, and I guess I just assumed that all guys felt that way when engaged in mortal combat. :D

I’m sure that everyone in my family knew that I was gay LONG before I did. My siblings and I would race each other in my mom’s high heels. For a home video, I dressed up as Dorothy and the three of us [my older sister, brother, and I] danced to Salt ‘N Pepa’s “Shoop.” I always kept my fingernails LONG in elementary school... but then again, I trimmed them with scissors so that they were razor-sharp points.

I totally thought my friends were in the dark until I saw myself on videotape, and for the first time, I saw my flamboyant mannerisms and heard my queer voice. It was a wake-up call, and for the longest time, I attempted to “butch it up.” Plus, up until the 10th grade, I genuinely believed that I was bisexual and I was consistently dating girls. But when I couldn’t make a relationship work with one of my best friends, Amanda Panda, I knew that I could never make it work with any woman. By avoiding sex with her, I really hurt her feelings, made her feel ugly and unwanted, and I never want to put anyone else through that.

Unfortunately, in high school, girls were still attracted to me, so maybe my “obviousness” wasn’t as strong as I originally thought. When I came out, I only disclosed it to my closest friends and only hinted at it with my other classmates.

Sometimes, I do question my sexuality. I’ve been hurt repeatedly by men that I cared about, and for a split second every now and then, I just want to be asexual, as Nelly said. The fact of the matter is, I’m damaged goods and I have some emotional baggage… but switching teams wouldn’t help me; it would just hurt somebody else.