I Had To Dress More "Feminine" For Work [Movie Transcript]

(Playing ♫ Boys Wanna Be Her ♫ by Peaches)

The Boys Wanna Be Her,
The Girls Wanna Be Her...

Katelin: This summer, I had an internship up in New York City at Northwestern Mutual. It was a pretty corporate environment. I couldn't really feel like I could be myself; I needed to wear my girly dress pants and some kind of feminine top--as much as I could get because I wasn't going extreme. It took away a part of me, I felt when I was there. I wasn't able to actually express who I was and what I'm about necessarily.

Every night when I got home, I threw them in the closet as quickly as I could, got on my bull shorts, my "No Bitchassness" Sean John T-shirt, some sneakers, and just go out, go down to the Village, or wherever I might end up going, so I could try and be myself.

It really does take a lot away from you when you can't express yourself as who you actually are and have to form yourself to fit into a corporate environment. Being of a more masculine gender, you can't do that in Corporate America. That's one of the things I found out that I need to work on before I can get myself ready for the job market and find an appropriate place for me to go.

DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL: Initially It Was A Progressive Step... Now It's A Joke (Katelin)

1: I would never join any branch of the military whether I were straight or gay. It’s just not my thing; I don't like war. But to comment on that “Don't Ask, Don't Tell” policy... its completely disgusting that such an act of discrimination has been in force for as many years as it has. At the time, it was a progressive step... but now it’s a joke. "they", whoever "they" are, say soldiers knowing that fellow members are gay will cause a break in unity. This being the case, I applaud any Gay or Lesbian person who is strong enough to withhold their preference, simply to appease the homophobes. That is true dedication to one's country.

2: I went to catholic school for 13 years and it’s not the reason I am an atheist. I was always taught that God is cool with the gays as long as we don't "act" on our urges. It just doesn't add up to me, not that much religion (especially catholic) does add up in my mind. I think if I were religious enough to want to devote my life to god, my sexuality would not hinder my decision. If I was devout, I would truly believe god loves me not for who I lay next to in bed, but the intentions I have of being a morally upstanding citizen staying true to commandments of God... and true ones, not the radical, misinterpreted passages many use against homosexuals.

I DO BELIEVE IN GENDER ROLES: I've Taken On The Masculine Role And I Only Like Feminine Women (Katelin)

I’m going to bring some educational information into this because I find it incredibly interesting. I’ve taken 2 Native American studies courses. In native cultures, there are “two-spirited” people, or a third gender. Men could act as women and women could act as men. I wish our culture could be like this.

For me... I do see a natural categorization in our culture. Too bad I’ve crossed these lines. I’m a female who has taken on a masculine role, but I only like feminine women. I believe in gender roles in relationships. I will pay for a girl, I will get girls numbers, I will most likely be the one to propose, blah blah blah.

I’ve always been a tomboy and now I have no problem taking a male role in society. I am an aggressive female. I would never have a sex-change though, I just taking this role on. I feel more comfortable in it.

I NEVER WANTED KIDS: But Then I Met Someone And Everything Changed (Katelin)

I’ve been in love, fell out of love, wished I was never in love. I believe in “lust at first sight,” which can definitely turn into love, but I can't say "love at first sight" exists. There is no typical length of time for me to turn something into a relationship. Generally, I prefer becoming friends first, but then again the "friend zone" sucks. It depends on the situation, the girl, and everything else. And usually, I like relationships, but in college, that’s harder because I'm terrible at the long distance thing. So, casual dating is usually how it goes.

Marriage... Yes, sure, I want to get married. All these laws, amendments, and, excuse my language, but BULLSHIT, they have been putting us through is unbelievable. People... it’s the 21st century, why are we writing HATE into our constitution?? Anyway, yeah I've been close to proposing before. Only once, but I guess I should be glad I didn’t since we didn't last. I was never one to sit around planning a perfect wedding. That's Wifey's role.

I use to say, no never, not me. I never wanted kids. Then, I met someone I would have actually wanted to have children with and everything changed. We had the plan that she would have the children. One from my egg, one from hers, and they would have the same father. Sounded like the dream family, I think I want to keep that plan.

BEFORE I WAS A BULL: I Was A Ballerina (Katelin)

When I was younger, I use to dance... Laugh it up, but I was a ballerina. Anyway, I had crushes on the older girls. I still remember the three of them. Four actually, but I certainly had a crush on all four of them. I didn’t know what it was; I was 5 years old. I thought they were soooooo cool and always wanted to be around them. After that, my first girlfriend was in 4th grade. It’s kinda crazy, but we were little bad kids running around doing things we probably shouldn’t.

I went to Catholic school my whole life, and God Hates Gays is basically what I was taught. No No, I stand corrected. God hates the ACTIONS, not the person. Big deal, so I can be a lesbian but can never look at a woman in that way.... Not gonna happen, pal, sorry! I went through my “Bi phase” in HS because "I noticed beautiful people, male or female." It never hit me that I NEVER thought a boy was beautiful, never had crushes on boys, but I certainly did on girls. College made me be more open with myself and I fully came out to myself first, then everyone else.

Now, I feel like my "obviousness" helps me not have to have that awkward "Hey. I'm gay" talk. If you can't tell, then it’s your loss.

And, no, I haven't questioned my sexuality since I've come out. I don't need to. All my good friends from home say to me that they've never seen me happier since I've been with girls. This is who I am, like it or love it!

DEPRESSION GOT THE BEST OF ME: I'm In Love With Mary Jane (Katelin)

Let’s lay it out here... I had depression really bad and most people—not all but most—would never expect it outside of normal pressures and drama. Depression gets the best of me at a lot of points in my life but would be far worse had I not found my true lover... Mary Jane.

I smoke constantly. Sometimes for fun, sometimes to be able to do work, sometimes to clear my head and forget the bullshit that tends to surround me. Its a way to cope in times of trouble and a way to just chill out with my best friends because 90% of them do it too.

I smoke cigarettes like a chimney too. Its a habit at this point and I think its supported by my anxiety. I always need a cigarette in my hand when I’m walking round campus to keep my hands busy. Otherwise I’m constantly fidgeting. But at this point in my life, it's just an addiction and part of my routine I wish I never had began.

.... And caffeine is my lifeline (James, you know, you just saw me buy 3 Rockstars haha). I don't think it’s an addiction as much as it is I have a high tolerance for caffeine. But there are days I can't get through without my Monster or Rockstar.

I've never dated anyone who did anything more than smoke bud while I was with them. My ex was a cokehead for a minute but that ended before I even met her. There was always a fear she'd go back to her old ways but she proved me wrong and stayed away from drugs. In our case, pot was the reason we stayed together so long I feel. Fights would become meaningless after a couple hits of a blunt and we'd be best friends in an instant.

I DON'T SWITCH PRONOUNS: If You Can't Accept the SHE, Then You Don't Deserve To Hear My Story! (Katelin)

Sophomore year of college, I first came out. The first person I told was my friend from home, the one I thought would take it best and be able to help me. She said "I knew it," and that was pretty much it. After that, it was a snowball effect. I felt so liberated. People actually liked me still. I lost no real friends from it, and I could be myself, which is HUGE. One of the things I’m proud of myself for is the ability to be myself and truthfully not care what anyone thinks, especially on Gettysburg campus... How you gonna hate on me when you rockin’ mini-skirts with Ugg boots?

I've told my mother I'm gay… She told me I wasn't. I never told my father or brother. They must know to some degree, but I honestly don't feel like they deserve to know. Both are conservative assholes sometimes. To keep my sanity, I've just decided they don’t need to know.

Oddly enough though, my mom and I used to talk about gay rights all the time when she thought I was just a “friend-o-gays.” Now, she shuts the topic down as soon as she can. What can i say? My mother loves Bill O'Reilly.

I don't introduce myself as “Katelin the LESBIAN,” but everyone figures it out. I'm butch, dyke, AG, whatever you want to call me, so it’s kinda hard to miss.

As proud as I am of who I've become... there's just some places where you can't be gay. This summer, I had an internship out in NYC. I had to dress up like a girl, carry a purse... it completely wasn't me. I felt part of my soul being drained every morning when I would put these “femme” clothes on. I would run home and put basketball shorts on and my NO BITCH ASS NESS shirt with some Jordans and run outside to The Village to go be gay and prance around.

Anyone my age, my peers, can know I'm gay. When my safety or my family's safety are in jeopardy, I will remain quiet though.

Haha, in class, I don't advertise myself as the gay chick, except my creative writing class I took. I wrote about lesbians because I know about lesbians. I wasn't ashamed. I would never pretend I’m not gay, as I said, it’s obvious for the most part that I am. I never ever have changed pronouns. I would rather not talk about what I was going to say if I need to disrespect my girlfriend by calling her a him. If you can't accept the SHE, then you don't deserve to hear my story!

RAISED CATHOLIC: I'm Now An Atheist (Katelin)

I grew up Catholic. From kindergarten to 12th grade, I went to Catholic school. Tell me that shit didn't mess with my head!

Today, I'm an atheist. I have a better time believing we are some alien science project than there is some dude looming over us watching and knowing everything we do. But of course, I don’t believe the alien thing either.

I hate religion. Religion was needed when fire couldn't be explained, and people needed to believe there is something out there after they died.

I've created my own spiritual views... do good and good will come to you. I don’t follow any one religion. I follow common sense.

A FAMILY SECRET: It's MY Burden, Not Theirs (Katelin)

Ugh, family. I’m the younger of 2 kids, with a brother who is 8 years older than me. I’m close to my mom; my dad is distant. Mom is crazy neurotic and always wants to be involved. I need to "call when I get there" and "call when I leave"... I lie to her constantly. I hide my real life.

I'll be on dates with girls and she'll think I’m somewhere completely different. I hate having to do that but some things are easier that way.

I don’t know if I will ever tell my father and brother I’m gay, but my mom knows. I never can talk about girlfriends, how I feel, why I’m upset. I’ve been through bad breakups and all I have to cover it up with is "I had a bad day at work." It hurts, but that’s life.

As my mom likes to think, this is my own burden: I don't bring it into other people's lives.