In Retrospect, Getting Married Wasn't The Wisest Decision [Movie Transcript]

Professor Reitsma: I grew up in a very religious environment, which meant I fought very hard NOT to be gay: I got married, had a child, which complicated the whole Coming Out thing. Although I should make it clear that my son's mother was quite aware that I was gay before we got married. ..Yeah. (laughter) And I went along with it because she said, "You can be gay and still be a dad," and I wanted to be a dad, "Well, you can still be gay and be with me," which I thought was actually pretty cool, at the time. In retrospect, that was not the wisest of choices I could have made. On the other hand, I don't regret having my son. It's just, certain decisions have made my life more complicated.

I understand why it's hard for people to Come Out. Growing up the way I did, it was very hard. It meant saying Goodbye to pretty much your whole family and everyone you grew up with. I have no contact with anyone I grew up with, with the exception of my 93-year-old grandmother... who has met my boyfriend. My mother has come around and so have my immediate siblings. But other than that, all my cousins, the whole environment I grew up in, I have no contact with anymore.

I've Known Since I Met You, HAVE YOU MET YOU?! [Director's Commentary]

Yes, I'm one of those people who had the pleasure of meeting Bill back in 2005, when he was not only in the closet but homophobic. Like most people, I knew he was gay the moment we met but when I learned that he wasn't anywhere close to coming out, I didn't really try to be his friend. After some humiliating experiences with "closet cases," I found it best to simply avoid them altogether, especially if they poke fun at gays in order to affirm their heterosexuality. Along with the older ALLiES members, I was happy to put the past behind us and welcome Bill into the group during our senior year; he has become extremely comfortable with his sexuality, and I'm proud of him for being honest with himself and everyone else.


I understand Bill's predicament; for most of us, our families have acted as barriers, preventing us from coming out to everyone. In my house, my father didn't show much hostility towards gay people; he just had the attitude that they didn't really exist and if they did, they only lived in segmented parts of urban areas like NYC. Coming from a socially and politically conservative family, I can imagine that he's had a much harder time gaining full acceptance from them. To this day, he still identifies as a die-hard Republican, and I would chock that up to family influence.

The Importance of Being OUT [Director's Commentary]

Sean and I met at the first ALLiES meeting of 2007, and ever since then he's had a Love-Hate relationship with the group; he believes in being discreet about his sexuality and devote most his efforts to other advocacy groups like the NAACP. He and I have had at least one epic public argument over issues like openness, pride, and a responsibility to the community. One year later, we were able to put aside our differences for this interview, and much to my surprise, his views have changed, I found myself agreeing with some of his responses, and we've kept in touch regularly via FaceBook.


Although I would never call it "a sexual decision," I agree that it is important for people to come out of the Closet, not just for themselves but also for the sake of the community. I think that honesty is always the best policy, and Coming Out lifts a huge burden off one's shoulders--no longer having to hide their desires or switch pronouns in conversation.



And as Sean pointed out, being Out does limit your job opportunities, especially if the company and/or its investors are conservative. The sad truth is that in many states, it's still perfectly legal to fire someone because of their sexual orientation. In fact, two years ago ALLiES participated in a letter writing campaign to get the Employment Non-Discrimination Act through Congress.

When You're Bisexual, You're Hated By Both Sides! [Movie Transcript]

Melissa: Definitely, I think it is really important for me to talk about being bisexual, because basically... you're hated by EVERYONE. I've had gay and lesbian people tell me to my face that they would never date me, because they said, flat out, I would screw around with other people. And y'know, I would cheat on them and ultimately leave them for someone of the opposite sex. Which isn't true. So, you kind of get it on both sides.

In terms of Coming Out, I think it's probably a little bit easier to Come Out as bisexual. My mom was like, "Yeah. I knew. (laughter) You went to Gay Camp." (laughter) I think it's a little bit easier, at least in my personal experience. I can't speak for everyone.

James: So, do you think that your mom hopes you'll end up with a man or...?

Melissa: I think, maybe when I first came out, she actually mentioned, "Oh, you know. Maybe it's just a phase," which really pissed me off. (laughter) But I think now she really doesn't care. I think the only reason she would want me to end up with a guy is because she knows it would be easier for me in society.

But my mom is so super open and supportive of me. And she has more gay friends than I do. (laughter) She goes out to gay bars with her friends. So, yeah, she's really supportive. I don't feel at all that my mom is pushing me to end up with a guy.

Sorry, I'm Not LIKE THAT! [Movie Transcript]

Miranda: So... I'm sort of Out of the Closet, but not really. It's kind of difficult to be fully Out, I guess, because of my family. I'm not sure how they would take it. I tried twice. And both times, I was shot down pretty quickly.

The first time, my mother said, "Oh, you know, it's just a phase. Don't worry about it." So I just said, "Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's... just a phase."

And then the second time I tried to be more serious about it. I said, "Mom, listen. There's a girl I like. We have a relationship." And then, I remember, she reached her hands over the counter and took my hands in hers and said, very seriously, "Honey, I think you're possessed by demons." Which struck me as odd because, well, I go to church more than she does.

And I grappled with it at first but I'm totally comfortable with my sexual orientation now and... I don't know. So, I didn't again after that.

But for some reason, I felt more comfortable Coming Out to my school. So I think, most of my school, at least most of the teachers know, but not my family. And here at the college, well, only a small group of people, meaning the ALLiES, know because I'm not really comfortable letting other people know just yet because I usually try to gauge how they feel first, before I actually say anything.

...Though there was one guy who, I guess, was coming on to me. He wanted to start a relationship and I said, "Sorry, I'm like that." (laughs) So, he backed off but he's cool about it. We're friends.

The Importance of Being OUT [Movie Transcript]

Sean: It is essential to be Out. I feel that, especially in today's generation, it's very difficult to tell your friends, it's very difficult to tell your family members but it's important to be Out. Most importantly to yourself.

I feel that "being gay," as we call it, is a lifestyle: it's not just a sexual decision, as some may feel. It impacts every aspect of your life: what job you get, where you live, the people you interact with. So being Out is very important.

It takes time. For some people, it takes a long, long time to Come Out to themselves, so then they can tell the people in their lives. But it's so important to be Out and to be comfortable with who you are and how you're living your life.

I've Known Since I Met You, HAVE YOU MET YOU?! [Movie Transcript]

Bill: OK, so my Coming Out was a little bit later than most people's. I didn't come out until I was 20. It was the end of my sophomore year of college.

I think I've known that I was gay probably since I was 7th grade, because I just kinda knew I liked boys. But I never really want to admit it to myself because I didn't want to be different. And I was also raised in a homophobic household where my dad constantly told me that gay people were less than everyone else, so I didn't want to be apart of that.

So I just repressed it within me until I came to college, at the end of my sophomore year. I first came out to one of my friends here and told her. I said, "I think I'm gay." And she goes, "Yeah... I've known that since I met you. HAVE YOU MET YOU? It's pretty obvious that you are!" So I was like, "Alright."

And I learned to accept myself pretty quickly, so I was happy with that. How I realized I was gay? I had a guy friend who was just my friend but I realized that, to me, he was more than a friend. I was really attracted to him. ...Nothing ever happened but it did get me to Come Out.

On the Gettysburg campus, a lot of people think that it's a really homophobic school but I haven't really had any problems. I'm out to all of my friends here. And I would say that I'm completely Out. If anyone ever asked me, I would always tell them. I don't just volunteer it... without there being a reason for me to tell somebody I'm gay usually. But I would say I'm totally Out.

At home... not so much. Both my parents know but they've asked me not to tell any other family members because, I guess, it'll embarrass them. So I haven't told any other family members.

So yeah, my Coming Out was definitely stressful because I knew it was going to be a tough issue at home. My mom's OK with it now, but for my dad, it's definitely tough for him. So I try to be understanding to the fact that he doesn't really accept it, but it's kinda hard.

KIDS? YES, PLEASE!: I Need Someone Who Wants A Big Family (Adaeze)

Love is what drives me to get up every morning. I'm a super passionate romantic to the T. Not only for a lover but also for family and friends. That's just how I get down. I want to believe in love at first sight, because it does happen but most times, people are only physically attracted to another person that they may like.

I've never been in love but I know that when I do it is when I love the "flaws" in that person and vice versa. When I can argue with my love and some time later make up. I know it maybe impossible but I want a everlasting love that my mother and father had before he passed away. I told my mother that if she wanted to remarry that my siblings and I would support her but she told me that my father was the only man she could ever love. I want to love and love in that way.

Ok. So I've been planning my dream wedding since forever! *squeal*

My wedding will take place in a stone castle in Ireland during the fall season. I love rich royal colors but I can come to a compromise with my wife or husband (if either is into party planning). I want my sister to be my maid of honor. Also I want bridesmaids and “bridesmen” because I have more guy friends then girls.

My wedding dress is going to be form-fitting Victorian-esque with a trumpet skirt, very elegant. The back will be a upside down curved triangle cutout and as the cutout turns into the skirt seam, that seam will be lined with 4 or 5 buttons. The dress will be a strapless dress made of silk and has a lace like design. The top of the dress will be an attached lace (kind of like a lace borelo with a high neck (as seen here).

The after party: I would like an opening speech and couple's first dance but after that, let the party begin! Open bar and buffet!

Oh, I will have a registry for presents because getting 10 toasters, >.<, Epic fail.

All this can change over time (maybe not the dress ^_^) but a girl can dream, can't she? ^.^

Sad reality: more people may show up to my wedding if it’s to a guy, sigh...silly relatives, oh well

Kids? Yes, please! I really want 10 kids (5 girls, 5 boys). I need someone who wants to have a really big family and live on a farm.

If I'm married to a guy, I'll have two kids the “Birds and the Bees way,” but the other eight, I will be adopting because I've wanted to adopt since middle school.

If it is to a woman, it depends, I wouldn't want to go to a sperm bank or shag a friend but if she wanted to go this route then I would be fine with it, but I'm still going to adopt. ^^ Pwease?

A WOMAN SCORNED: I Still Have Trust Issues (Nelly)

I believe in love. I've found I'm more in love with the idea of love than I've ever been with any of my girlfriends. To a degree, I think it's possible to have love at first sight. A little bit of love, yes, but not full-blown, knock you off your feet love. Relationship-wise for me, I've been a whole lot more cautious and wary of whom I let in, simply due to some trust issues I've developed after a long distance relationship gone terribly wrong. So it'll take me a bit longer for me to say "this is something serious" nowadays... which, in general lesbian terms is a few months I think? I dunno haha. It's my nature to be constantly looking for love and commitment actually. I looked it up the other day and my personality type has *that* listed unfortunately! So it's virtually impossible for me to casually date someone (or some people), which is really all I've wanted to do for a long time.

I still don't know about getting "married" some day. I really do like the idea of being with the same woman for the rest of my life, but I've begun to doubt finding that someone who can put up with me and whom I can also deal with for that long. When I was four I told my mom I was gonna marry my best friend someday, so of course I've dreamt of marrying women! And I did love someone enough to consider proposing to her... I gave her a ring and everything to show her I was serious (and had one that matched it too!). Didn't work out though.

My dream wedding? Oh man, it'll be EPIC. I'm gonna rent out a HUGE area, sort of like a warehouse I guess, and the wedding and reception will be one big dance party. DJ Irene will spin for the entire evening and Reverend Run will perform the ceremony! Too bad I haven't found someone down for that awesome-tastic wedding.

I'm still up in the air about kids. Because I honestly feel nervous about them. I've attracted family-oriented women lately (which is hilarious in my opinion... a friend said I just exude responsibility or something that screams "good parent!") so I've been rethinking it, but I'm still on the side of "No." Especially coming from a larger family: I like my space. I like coming home to quiet when *everyone* is gone. I like being able to blare my music loud and have no one yelling at me to turn it down/off. My views can always change about this in the next few years, but right now I'm content with having four big dogs and no kids in my future.

If I were to have children, it'd definitely be adoption. Open or closed would probably be up to my wife, but if the dad's a crazy mofo, it'll be closed. It's definitely important that she want kids, because I'm still iffy about them now and will surely be later on. But, I'd hope she's not so desperate for children that she goes and gets herself knocked up...

I'm definitely down for adoption though, as there are simply wayyy too many kids out there who don't have parents and a home to go home to after school.

PRIVILEGED INFORMATION: I Don't Tell Anyone Until I Know Him/Her (Adaeze)

I came out to my friends and sister in high school, and then a week later, I told my mom.

I didn't lose any friends, but my family life has changed… a lot. My mother tries to push guys onto me now, and we don't talk to each other as much as we did before.

I don't hide my sexuality. If someone asks if I'm gay, I say yes. Sometimes I joke about it to make others feel a little comfortable.

I don't often initiate the conversation that I am bisexual until I know that person well, but then again, if someone asks, I tell...hehe.

I've told one professor that I'm bisexual...well she guessed ^_^ but other than that unless I'm friends with the professor, I don't tell them much about myself.

I’ve never had to discuss romance in class yet but when if I do I most likely would say “someone” or use third-person pronouns.

I BROUGHT HOME BUTCH WOMEN: My Parents Replied, "Why Don't You Just Date A Man?" (Celia)

I love my family. We've always been close. We've sort of distanced more in the past few years, as my two sisters and I have grown up more, moved away, and they've been in more serious relationships. That's sad to me.

My mom asked me if I was gay- on IM [Online Instant Messenger]! She then told the family. She was really, really great about it. Sometimes she makes comments that make me wonder—I think she believes that being straight is an easier route in life, but she has no problem telling her friends (in small town Iowa) that her daughter is a lesbian. She's claimed she's known since I was young. My dad did take a bit to adjust, but he is wonderful as well.

My sisters were fine—and I sometimes feel they're more out for me than I am! They are both straight.

My mom didn't talk about my sexual identity with all the members of the family—and still maybe hasn't. However, we're really not that close with many of them, so I don't really care.

My parents did have a problem with my image more when I came out—my dad less so. They didn't like my more butch phase... or people I dated who were butch. I heard that classic comment, "Well, why don't you just date a man?"

I sometimes don't know if it's that I don't feel comfortable—or if it's because we're just not that close—but I don't share a ton about my relationships with my parents. I usually don't tell them I’m dating someone for a few months—and don't share any of the details. I don't know how much my sisters share about their boyfriends. But my family has always liked and been wonderful about meeting people I've dated. Even parents of people I've dated.

SLOWLY BUT SURELY: Conservatives For Marriage Equality (Tory)

My immediate family is huge and very close -- I have 2 sisters, both of which have their own families, which include 8 nieces and nephews. Beyond that, I have around 20 cousins and between my 9 aunts and uncles. But I'm not as close to any of them.

I consider my family to be accepting of homosexuality. They support gay marriage, even though they're extremely conservative. My parents and sisters know that I spend a lot of time at Allies house and that some of my close friends are gay, and it doesn't bother them. It does make them question my own sexuality though. My mom has asked me maybe 3 times in the last few months if I'm a lesbian, as though I can't be straight and spending time at Allies house. The first time she asked with an accusing "You're not GAY, are you?!" then quickly corrected herself with an "it would be totally okay if you were, I'd love you no matter what..." While I know she would love me no matter what, the fact that her immediate reaction is negative tells me a lot about her and her original beliefs. But the fact that she is consciously changing the way she feels and acts makes me proud.

TIGHT-KNIT: I Was Told Not To Inform My Extended Family (Bill)

My family is huge and relatively close. My parents are still married. Mom's side of the family is very close, and I'm definitely the odd one out. My mom and I are relatively close, as are my sister and I, but I'm not close to my dad.

My mom and sister have accepted my sexuality for the most part, but aren't totally comfortable with it. My dad chooses to ignore it. No one else in my extended family knows because my parents have told me that I'm not allowed to tell anyone. After I graduate college, I'll be moving on and my family really won't be a huge part of my life anymore.

ODD MAN OUT: My Family Doesn't Condone Homosexuality (DeLue)

Ah family. My family is huge and rather estranged. My parents are divorced with my father's side of the family scattered from New York to Louisiana and New Jersey to California. My mother's family is small and living in PA, Montana and Oklahoma. I don't confide much in any of my family and we're not very close.

None of my family is very supportive of the idea of homosexuality. My dad and stepbrother regularly make very childish jokes that I find quite irritating. My mom knows that I recently moved into the Allies house for the second semester, as do my grandparents. Only my grandparents know that I'm the VP of allies now.

JAN BRADY SYNDROME: They Wouldn't Listen to Me (Miranda)

There are five people in my family: my parents, my older brother (25), me, and my younger brother (15). I'm really, really close to my parents (my Dad especially) and my younger brother.

As the middle child and only girl, I sometimes feel like I need to be a role model for my younger brother but avoid the mistakes my older brother has made. My parents would love for me to have children, so my decision to tell them I want to be a nun did not go over so well as I hoped.

I haven't come out to my family yet. Well, not fully. There were two points where I came out, was confronted with my mother's denial and father's grief, and then immediately retreated back into the closet. It's awful because I confide a lot in my younger brother and in my Dad, but I can't muster the courage to say anything about my sexual orientation. (For some reason, I feel like my older brother would be the most accepting, even though I'm not especially close to him.)

I won't even mention what happened the first time I tried to come out. The second time, though, my mother (who is the one I told) said, "Oh, it's just a phase", but then began to pin my friends and my school as the reasons. She correctly guessed the identity of my girlfriend at the time and threatened that I would never see her again, and that she would pull me out of my school immediately and send me to public school. Then, one day she said she told my father about it, and that he cried.

I'm afraid of what might happen if I try a third time. I mean, if they don't like the idea of my becoming a nun, imagine how they'll react if I say, "I'm a lesbian!" I remember my mother said something about women once and gave me what I thought was a knowing look, but I may have been imagining it. I don't know when I'll be able to tell them, or if I will be able to. I just don't know what to do. :(

BABY OF THE FAMILY: I Learned From Their Mistakes (James)

I'm the youngest of 3 kids. I've got an older sister, Jiselle (26 y.o.) and an older brother (also 26 y.o.). Although my parents have fought and argued EVERY single day of my life, they're still married. I'm not sure why... but they are. At least by arguing, it's obvious that they care and have strong feelings toward each other. I hate that a couple of my own relationships fell into this same pattern with disastrous results. :(

Everyone in family is self-sufficient. We all have our secrets, we all have our own hidden talents and dreams. My mother is everyone's confidant... but the rest of us don't really talk to each other unless we have to. Even though I trust my mother, I'm not comfortable with confiding in her anymore because her primary allegiance is to my dad. That's the only reason why I didn't tell her sooner about my sexuality.

My sister had several serious lesbian relationships, even "dreamed of marrying a woman," but she's had her heart broken so many times that she has gone back to men. She gave birth to my beautiful niece/goddaughter, Ava, last November, and is expected to get married sometime this year. =D I'm genuinely happy for her, but I just hope she isn't settling.

I didn't really feel pressured to act as a role model to my siblings but I wanted to be a role model in school for other kids. If nothing, the word I've heard since age 5 is "gentleman."

Fortunately, since I'm the youngest, the least screwed-up (if you can believe that), and the first one to go to college, I found it fairly easy to come out to my family... I just wish that it had been on my own terms.

All in all, I think everyone but my father has accepted me for who I am. My mother, sister, and brother have all been surprisingly supportive. Well, they have known all along, after all. My dad, however, refuses to even acknowledge the subject, and that just hurts.

COMING TO AMERICA: From Nigeria to B*More (Adaeze)

Yo, MD peeps! I grew up in Baltimore County but more like the city. I currently live in Nottingham, it's between Perry Hall and Fullerton. I was born in Nigeria and live there until I was three. My dad came over to the US to do his residency and set up everything so my mum and I can come over. We lived very close to the city until my father died when I was 4 going on 5 then we moved to Nottingham and I've lived there for 14 years and going (until I find my own place).

The Nottingham / Perryhall / Fullerton area is basically a Wal-Mart, Giant, some other stores, and fast food joints kind of place. Nothing to do except go to White Marsh mall.

There isn't much of a gay community but I knew some older gay people.

I went to private school all my life. The topic of homosexuality was never really brought up until high school. I went to an all-girls prep school and to me even though the school seemed conservative being a Catholic all-girls' school, it was somewhat liberal in that there were three lesbian teachers. They weren't open about it but they never really hid the fact that they were gay.

I remember one incident when a nun decided to become an “ex-nun,” or whatever the proper term is, because she used the Church to hide her homosexuality and she wanted to be more open about. She resigned because I believe my school was going to fire her because having an openly gay nun at an all girls’ school? Scandalous!

To me, the majority of the school population was pro-gay everything or didn't care because it wasn't affecting them.

Outside of school, I didn't know how accepting people were because there are still racist people who live around my area but they're all on the down low.

I'm neither proud nor embarrassed about my hometown, which is an hour and some change away from Gettysburg.

When I came to Gettysburg, I felt more comfortable not just with my sexuality but with myself as a whole. My family is very boring, and at Gettysburg I can do so many exciting things.

When I visit home, everything goes back to the way it was pre-Gettysburg. I do nothing but watch my family do nothing.

I'm not out to anyone within my family but my mum and my sister. I don't remember if I told my brothers but the oldest wouldn't care because he respects everyone but the younger thinks the "gays" are yucky. I'm still working on getting him to see the light.

Same situation at Gettysburg. I tell people if they ask me but I haven't told a lot of people.