Having taken a Women’s Studies course [WS251: Women & Nazism] for the very first time last semester, I’ve had feminist theory hammered into my brain. I accept the idea of masculine and feminine constructs, but I believe that they’re pure myth based on male and female archetypes. That said, I don’t believe that they are biologically ingrained in us.
There’s extreme overlap between so-called male and female behaviors. The idea of men’s work vs. women’s work seems to only become an issue when a woman is incapacitated by a uniquely female issue (ie. pregnancy). I agree with Nelly when she says that male and female behaviors are not set in stone and definitely are not mutually exclusive.
I, too, love it when people transcend gender boundaries. Moreover, I just love it when people do what isn’t expected of them. My most recent transgression was performing a group Bellydance at the Dance Ensemble’s fall recital. Besides that, I dress up for the Gender-Bender Dance every year, I like baking stuff for my housemates, and I care a lot about how my clothes look on me.
However, I have no desire whatsoever to be a woman. I treasure my masculinity: my love of horror movie gore, my dreams of being a stunt double, my hidden desire to punch my ex square-in-the-nose... I guess it all reminds me that I may be gay but that doesn’t make me any less of a man.
Showing posts with label Ex-Boyfriend. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ex-Boyfriend. Show all posts
9.06.2009
I'M AN OLD-FASHIONED GAY BOY: I Don't Put Out On The First Date (James)
Typically, I'm more likely to make the first move and ask someone out... and it sucks. I wish guys understood how much courage and humility it takes to ask someone out, but unfortunately, most of the guys around here would much rather sit back and wait.
If I like a guy, ideally, he must be OPENLY gay. That's the minimum risk situation, so I would typically wait about a month or two to make a move. If he's only out to a few people, then I probably would wait 6 months or I'd abandon the crush completely. If he's closeted, then it's totally up to him to make the effort. I've learned the hard way about the consequences of letting a closeted guy know that you like him. Statistically, I think I pursue 1 out of every 4 crushes I have at any given time.
When I do go on dates, I try to look my absolute best, which entails a lot of extra maintenance (eg. manscaping, lotion on the back, etc). Although I'd say I don't date very often, I haven't really gone two months without going on a date. Usually, I'd bring a date back to my dorm room, we'd order pizza, watch a movie, talk, dot dot dot.
Whenever I go OUT for a dinner date, we split the check. As we date more and more, sometimes I'll offer to pick up the check and he'll pick it up the next time. Sometimes I have felt uncomfortable bringing a guy to a restaurant, especially because of how tourist-y this town is... not everyone in the world is as accepting as the people on the Gettysburg College campus.
All my best dates were in the comfort of my old room, Lahm-10. I had music, the mood lighting, a huge DVD collection, and delicious pizza courtesy of La Bella Italia, a local restaurant. I've had dates that have gone on for well over 7 hours in that room. It was so comfortable and romantic that no one ever wanted to leave.
I'd say 1st base is hand-holding/footsie, 2nd base is hugging/on top of the clothes action, 3rd base is open-mouth kissing, and Home base would be any kind of sex. That said, I'm a traditional gay boy, and one of my "rules" is that I don't have sex on the first date.
Usually, I'm the one who's more likely to make the first move physically. Although I never used to enjoy kissing people (especially with tongue), now I'm perfectly fine with kissing a guy on or even before the first date. Not having sex on the first date doesn't guarantee that I'll put out on the second; it's all on a case-by-case basis. Usually, when I'm in a relationship, it takes less than a week for us to go to bed with each other.
For the longest time I was just playing the Dating Game, "slutting it up" to my heart's content, but lately, I've become more relationship-minded and more picky about who I date. Seriously, if a potential relationship doesn't have a future, then why even start dating?
I've never been in a long-term relationship, even though my first "boyfriend" and I courted each other for three years before getting serious. My longest relationship with a girl lasted 3 months and my longest relationship with a guy lasted about 4 months (but that's debatable). None of my gay friends are currently in long-term relationships. Hell, none of my gay friends have been in HEALTHY gay relationships for over a year.
When I'm dating someone and I think the relationship has a future, EVERYONE knows. I shout it to the mountain tops, write about it in my blog, and brag to anyone who'll listen. This is probably the biggest reason why I've chased so many men away. Openness, honesty, and loyalty are the three most important virtues I look for in a man, and only once have I even come close to finding the guy with all three.
Not until this past summer had I been in a gay long distance relationship... it sucked because it was a relationship without the thing I treasured most, the physical intimacy. Ironically, that's what made a LDR so appealing to me as a teen when I had several online girlfriends. I'd always call things off as soon as they mentioned flying to Tronica, MD (a town I made up for one of my stories) to meet me in-person. *cringe*
Once again, my public persona and excessive honesty are probably my most common relationship killers. Usually, I stay friends with my exes--not CLOSE friends--but friends nonetheless. In one special case, one of my ex-girlfriends and I didn't speak to each other for over a year in high school. Having not told her that my sexuality was the reason why I was distant, I must've made her feel so ugly, unattractive, and unworthy of love. And to this day, I regret that. Luckily, after that long period of silence followed by a period of bickering, we've now rekindled our close friendship and talk regularly via FaceBook.
As I've gotten older, I try to deal with breakups in a more mature fashion. Just because you break up doesn't mean you have to hate each other's guts... or at least, you don't have to show it.
If I like a guy, ideally, he must be OPENLY gay. That's the minimum risk situation, so I would typically wait about a month or two to make a move. If he's only out to a few people, then I probably would wait 6 months or I'd abandon the crush completely. If he's closeted, then it's totally up to him to make the effort. I've learned the hard way about the consequences of letting a closeted guy know that you like him. Statistically, I think I pursue 1 out of every 4 crushes I have at any given time.
When I do go on dates, I try to look my absolute best, which entails a lot of extra maintenance (eg. manscaping, lotion on the back, etc). Although I'd say I don't date very often, I haven't really gone two months without going on a date. Usually, I'd bring a date back to my dorm room, we'd order pizza, watch a movie, talk, dot dot dot.
Whenever I go OUT for a dinner date, we split the check. As we date more and more, sometimes I'll offer to pick up the check and he'll pick it up the next time. Sometimes I have felt uncomfortable bringing a guy to a restaurant, especially because of how tourist-y this town is... not everyone in the world is as accepting as the people on the Gettysburg College campus.
All my best dates were in the comfort of my old room, Lahm-10. I had music, the mood lighting, a huge DVD collection, and delicious pizza courtesy of La Bella Italia, a local restaurant. I've had dates that have gone on for well over 7 hours in that room. It was so comfortable and romantic that no one ever wanted to leave.
I'd say 1st base is hand-holding/footsie, 2nd base is hugging/on top of the clothes action, 3rd base is open-mouth kissing, and Home base would be any kind of sex. That said, I'm a traditional gay boy, and one of my "rules" is that I don't have sex on the first date.
Usually, I'm the one who's more likely to make the first move physically. Although I never used to enjoy kissing people (especially with tongue), now I'm perfectly fine with kissing a guy on or even before the first date. Not having sex on the first date doesn't guarantee that I'll put out on the second; it's all on a case-by-case basis. Usually, when I'm in a relationship, it takes less than a week for us to go to bed with each other.
For the longest time I was just playing the Dating Game, "slutting it up" to my heart's content, but lately, I've become more relationship-minded and more picky about who I date. Seriously, if a potential relationship doesn't have a future, then why even start dating?
I've never been in a long-term relationship, even though my first "boyfriend" and I courted each other for three years before getting serious. My longest relationship with a girl lasted 3 months and my longest relationship with a guy lasted about 4 months (but that's debatable). None of my gay friends are currently in long-term relationships. Hell, none of my gay friends have been in HEALTHY gay relationships for over a year.
When I'm dating someone and I think the relationship has a future, EVERYONE knows. I shout it to the mountain tops, write about it in my blog, and brag to anyone who'll listen. This is probably the biggest reason why I've chased so many men away. Openness, honesty, and loyalty are the three most important virtues I look for in a man, and only once have I even come close to finding the guy with all three.
Not until this past summer had I been in a gay long distance relationship... it sucked because it was a relationship without the thing I treasured most, the physical intimacy. Ironically, that's what made a LDR so appealing to me as a teen when I had several online girlfriends. I'd always call things off as soon as they mentioned flying to Tronica, MD (a town I made up for one of my stories) to meet me in-person. *cringe*
Once again, my public persona and excessive honesty are probably my most common relationship killers. Usually, I stay friends with my exes--not CLOSE friends--but friends nonetheless. In one special case, one of my ex-girlfriends and I didn't speak to each other for over a year in high school. Having not told her that my sexuality was the reason why I was distant, I must've made her feel so ugly, unattractive, and unworthy of love. And to this day, I regret that. Luckily, after that long period of silence followed by a period of bickering, we've now rekindled our close friendship and talk regularly via FaceBook.
As I've gotten older, I try to deal with breakups in a more mature fashion. Just because you break up doesn't mean you have to hate each other's guts... or at least, you don't have to show it.
I ALWAYS WANTED A SINGLE: I Suck At Choosing Roommates (James)
Freshman year I was randomly matched with Sean, a straight Lacrosse player from Babylon, NY. Surprisingly, he was completely accepting of my sexual orientation and didn't treat me any differently upon finding out... in fact, I think this revelation made him try even harder to come off as open-minded. I felt perfectly comfortable bringing guys back to the bedroom, though he didn't usually bring the girls back.
My Huber Hallmates were EXTREMELY accepting, though I was a bit suspicious of two guys who seemed uncomfortable discussing anything gay-related. Other than that, practically all the girls on my floor had borrowed and passed around my "Queer As Folk: Season One" boxed set. I found it cool that Sean would sometimes watch "QAF" with me, have no idea what was going on, but would let me know that he supported all of it.
I think Sean was a little uncomfortable getting dressed in front of me at first, but then I think he realized that not ALL gay guys were attracted to him, and he stopped being awkward. There were probably brief moments in the year when I did find him physically attractive, but of course, I never acted on any desires I might've had.
My first big mistake occurred during my sophomore year when I roomed with Billy, one of my ex-boyfriends. As I got to know him better as a roommate, I also found out that he was a Log Cabin Republican and possibly, bisexual. At the same time, it was a horrible yet wonderful experience. We had some bitter arguments, but we also had interesting 5-hour conversations.
The entire time we lived together, we never so much as hugged. Even though he and I had been intimate while we were dating (Spring 2006), I still have never seen him with his shirt off... he was slightly overweight and was afraid of offending people with his naked body. I'm the exact opposite; my motto's "Skin to the Wind!" I felt perfectly comfortable (un)dressing with him in the room, but he'd always dress himself in our tiny bathroom, despite how physically uncomfortable I imagine it was.
Since we had broken up over four months prior, I'm confident I wasn't still attracted to him while we bunked together. I felt comfortable bringing dates back to the room to meet Billy, but more often than not, my steady date was one of HIS ex-lovers, so he would usually find a reason to leave the dorm.
My even bigger mistake was rooming with Jinming, an International student, during my junior year. He spoke very little English and never cleaned up after himself. I don't even know if he knew I was gay until he saw me making out and writhing around on the floor with my boyfriend at the time.
I do believe he was straight, though he didn't go out on dates. It didn't really matter since I wasn't remotely attracted to him. I'm not sure how accepting he was of me, because frequently, he spoke Chinese with his friends and on the phone, so I never knew if he was actually mocking or insulting me. I never felt threatened by him, but I was scared by the cloud of mystery surrounding him. The ONLY thing we had in common was that we were both Film Studies majors. That year, I suspect that we had a gay CL, who did a pretty good job, but as far as I know, he has yet to come out.
This year has brought about my best roommate situation. I was placed with Travis, a long-time ALLiES member who was actually the first person I met @ Gettysburg College (on G.I.V. Day). He and are both Black gay men, and No, we have never been romantically involved. At times, I have found him physically attractive, but most of the time, I treat him like my little brother. We're both comfortable (un)dressing in front of each other, and that hasn't been remotely awkward, as far as I know.
I like rooming with Travis because it's fun to talk with someone about crushes, who we're dating, and gay pop culture without him getting grossed out or thinking that I'm perverted.
Living in ALLiES House has been amazing! Although seeing one of my exes on a daily basis drove me insane last semester, now I'm feeling much more at ease here. I feel like everyone in the house respects each other and is completely supportive when anyone's dating.
And although Jai [Schock] isn't an official House Leader, she has been a wonderful "Gay Den Mother" to us all. She's a pro at giving people advice on romantic relationships, as well as dealing with an array of personal problems.
My Huber Hallmates were EXTREMELY accepting, though I was a bit suspicious of two guys who seemed uncomfortable discussing anything gay-related. Other than that, practically all the girls on my floor had borrowed and passed around my "Queer As Folk: Season One" boxed set. I found it cool that Sean would sometimes watch "QAF" with me, have no idea what was going on, but would let me know that he supported all of it.
I think Sean was a little uncomfortable getting dressed in front of me at first, but then I think he realized that not ALL gay guys were attracted to him, and he stopped being awkward. There were probably brief moments in the year when I did find him physically attractive, but of course, I never acted on any desires I might've had.
My first big mistake occurred during my sophomore year when I roomed with Billy, one of my ex-boyfriends. As I got to know him better as a roommate, I also found out that he was a Log Cabin Republican and possibly, bisexual. At the same time, it was a horrible yet wonderful experience. We had some bitter arguments, but we also had interesting 5-hour conversations.
The entire time we lived together, we never so much as hugged. Even though he and I had been intimate while we were dating (Spring 2006), I still have never seen him with his shirt off... he was slightly overweight and was afraid of offending people with his naked body. I'm the exact opposite; my motto's "Skin to the Wind!" I felt perfectly comfortable (un)dressing with him in the room, but he'd always dress himself in our tiny bathroom, despite how physically uncomfortable I imagine it was.
Since we had broken up over four months prior, I'm confident I wasn't still attracted to him while we bunked together. I felt comfortable bringing dates back to the room to meet Billy, but more often than not, my steady date was one of HIS ex-lovers, so he would usually find a reason to leave the dorm.
My even bigger mistake was rooming with Jinming, an International student, during my junior year. He spoke very little English and never cleaned up after himself. I don't even know if he knew I was gay until he saw me making out and writhing around on the floor with my boyfriend at the time.
I do believe he was straight, though he didn't go out on dates. It didn't really matter since I wasn't remotely attracted to him. I'm not sure how accepting he was of me, because frequently, he spoke Chinese with his friends and on the phone, so I never knew if he was actually mocking or insulting me. I never felt threatened by him, but I was scared by the cloud of mystery surrounding him. The ONLY thing we had in common was that we were both Film Studies majors. That year, I suspect that we had a gay CL, who did a pretty good job, but as far as I know, he has yet to come out.
This year has brought about my best roommate situation. I was placed with Travis, a long-time ALLiES member who was actually the first person I met @ Gettysburg College (on G.I.V. Day). He and are both Black gay men, and No, we have never been romantically involved. At times, I have found him physically attractive, but most of the time, I treat him like my little brother. We're both comfortable (un)dressing in front of each other, and that hasn't been remotely awkward, as far as I know.
I like rooming with Travis because it's fun to talk with someone about crushes, who we're dating, and gay pop culture without him getting grossed out or thinking that I'm perverted.
Living in ALLiES House has been amazing! Although seeing one of my exes on a daily basis drove me insane last semester, now I'm feeling much more at ease here. I feel like everyone in the house respects each other and is completely supportive when anyone's dating.
And although Jai [Schock] isn't an official House Leader, she has been a wonderful "Gay Den Mother" to us all. She's a pro at giving people advice on romantic relationships, as well as dealing with an array of personal problems.
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