A WOMAN SCORNED: I Still Have Trust Issues (Nelly)

I believe in love. I've found I'm more in love with the idea of love than I've ever been with any of my girlfriends. To a degree, I think it's possible to have love at first sight. A little bit of love, yes, but not full-blown, knock you off your feet love. Relationship-wise for me, I've been a whole lot more cautious and wary of whom I let in, simply due to some trust issues I've developed after a long distance relationship gone terribly wrong. So it'll take me a bit longer for me to say "this is something serious" nowadays... which, in general lesbian terms is a few months I think? I dunno haha. It's my nature to be constantly looking for love and commitment actually. I looked it up the other day and my personality type has *that* listed unfortunately! So it's virtually impossible for me to casually date someone (or some people), which is really all I've wanted to do for a long time.

I still don't know about getting "married" some day. I really do like the idea of being with the same woman for the rest of my life, but I've begun to doubt finding that someone who can put up with me and whom I can also deal with for that long. When I was four I told my mom I was gonna marry my best friend someday, so of course I've dreamt of marrying women! And I did love someone enough to consider proposing to her... I gave her a ring and everything to show her I was serious (and had one that matched it too!). Didn't work out though.

My dream wedding? Oh man, it'll be EPIC. I'm gonna rent out a HUGE area, sort of like a warehouse I guess, and the wedding and reception will be one big dance party. DJ Irene will spin for the entire evening and Reverend Run will perform the ceremony! Too bad I haven't found someone down for that awesome-tastic wedding.

I'm still up in the air about kids. Because I honestly feel nervous about them. I've attracted family-oriented women lately (which is hilarious in my opinion... a friend said I just exude responsibility or something that screams "good parent!") so I've been rethinking it, but I'm still on the side of "No." Especially coming from a larger family: I like my space. I like coming home to quiet when *everyone* is gone. I like being able to blare my music loud and have no one yelling at me to turn it down/off. My views can always change about this in the next few years, but right now I'm content with having four big dogs and no kids in my future.

If I were to have children, it'd definitely be adoption. Open or closed would probably be up to my wife, but if the dad's a crazy mofo, it'll be closed. It's definitely important that she want kids, because I'm still iffy about them now and will surely be later on. But, I'd hope she's not so desperate for children that she goes and gets herself knocked up...

I'm definitely down for adoption though, as there are simply wayyy too many kids out there who don't have parents and a home to go home to after school.