JAN BRADY SYNDROME: They Wouldn't Listen to Me (Miranda)

There are five people in my family: my parents, my older brother (25), me, and my younger brother (15). I'm really, really close to my parents (my Dad especially) and my younger brother.

As the middle child and only girl, I sometimes feel like I need to be a role model for my younger brother but avoid the mistakes my older brother has made. My parents would love for me to have children, so my decision to tell them I want to be a nun did not go over so well as I hoped.

I haven't come out to my family yet. Well, not fully. There were two points where I came out, was confronted with my mother's denial and father's grief, and then immediately retreated back into the closet. It's awful because I confide a lot in my younger brother and in my Dad, but I can't muster the courage to say anything about my sexual orientation. (For some reason, I feel like my older brother would be the most accepting, even though I'm not especially close to him.)

I won't even mention what happened the first time I tried to come out. The second time, though, my mother (who is the one I told) said, "Oh, it's just a phase", but then began to pin my friends and my school as the reasons. She correctly guessed the identity of my girlfriend at the time and threatened that I would never see her again, and that she would pull me out of my school immediately and send me to public school. Then, one day she said she told my father about it, and that he cried.

I'm afraid of what might happen if I try a third time. I mean, if they don't like the idea of my becoming a nun, imagine how they'll react if I say, "I'm a lesbian!" I remember my mother said something about women once and gave me what I thought was a knowing look, but I may have been imagining it. I don't know when I'll be able to tell them, or if I will be able to. I just don't know what to do. :(