First woman I ever fell for was my first real ex-girlfriend and the only one to ever truly break my heart and screw me up for relationships to come. She wasn't my first crush; no, that belonged to a girl I met in 8th grade... younger sister to another girl we went to school with. And I think she might've liked me back, but I never knew for sure. She was in 6th grade then, and made my heart pound in ways it's never done before.
I never told her, as I wasn't completely aware of my sexuality then. All I knew was I liked to hang around after school, walk her halfway home, and part ways with her when I needed to head back to my house. Some days I'd go back to school to walk her home.
It was weird, because it felt most natural to just hug her... hold her close and just keep her there, where I knew she was safe. No one really knew about her, let alone that I was so attracted to her. And, because all grades went in through different entrances back then (yes, our middle school was *that* stupid), when she and her sister (same grade as us) came to the front entrance I sometimes walked her over to the other one; or, in most cases, she just stayed with us.
I wasn't out in 8th grade; I had an inkling that I was gay, as something else happened that year: one of the other girls came up to where my friends and I were sitting at lunch and asked me if I wanted to go out with this guy named Jamal. I automatically responded with a no, citing it being weird that he shared a name with my brother. Of course, I wasn't attracted to him either; I just thought he was a nice guy.
Unfortunately, when I graduated middle school and went on to 9th grade, I rarely saw her. After about a year, she disappeared from the area entirely (as some people do). I'm half tempted to look her up on MySpace now, but wouldn't really know what to say to her. It's been years, y'know?
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