THAT TINGLING SENSATION: I Enjoyed Wrestling A Little TOO Much (James)

My first experience with sexual attraction occurred when I was 4 years old. Nearly every single afternoon, my partner-in-crime, Andrew, and I would have EPIC wrestling matches on the ranch behind our babysitter’s house. Of course, back then, I didn’t realize that that “tingling sensation” was intense sexual attraction, BUT when I was 11 years old, and I started to have recurring wet dreams about men, I finally put 2 and 2 together. Unlike the girls I’ve interviewed, I had no emotional attachment to Andrew whatsoever. He made me feel good physically, and I guess I just assumed that all guys felt that way when engaged in mortal combat. :D

I’m sure that everyone in my family knew that I was gay LONG before I did. My siblings and I would race each other in my mom’s high heels. For a home video, I dressed up as Dorothy and the three of us [my older sister, brother, and I] danced to Salt ‘N Pepa’s “Shoop.” I always kept my fingernails LONG in elementary school... but then again, I trimmed them with scissors so that they were razor-sharp points.

I totally thought my friends were in the dark until I saw myself on videotape, and for the first time, I saw my flamboyant mannerisms and heard my queer voice. It was a wake-up call, and for the longest time, I attempted to “butch it up.” Plus, up until the 10th grade, I genuinely believed that I was bisexual and I was consistently dating girls. But when I couldn’t make a relationship work with one of my best friends, Amanda Panda, I knew that I could never make it work with any woman. By avoiding sex with her, I really hurt her feelings, made her feel ugly and unwanted, and I never want to put anyone else through that.

Unfortunately, in high school, girls were still attracted to me, so maybe my “obviousness” wasn’t as strong as I originally thought. When I came out, I only disclosed it to my closest friends and only hinted at it with my other classmates.

Sometimes, I do question my sexuality. I’ve been hurt repeatedly by men that I cared about, and for a split second every now and then, I just want to be asexual, as Nelly said. The fact of the matter is, I’m damaged goods and I have some emotional baggage… but switching teams wouldn’t help me; it would just hurt somebody else.